K.J. Bannan Photo by Suz Redfearn
BETTY FERRELL WAS A CAREGIVER for her mother, who died from lung cancer, and her father, who died of a respiratory infection. During both of her parents’ illnesses, Ferrell, who is a nurse researcher at City of Hope National Medical Center in Duarte, California, and publishes research on the challenges of caregiving, felt overwhelmed by the immensity of the caregiving tasks.
“This idea that caregiving should be easy and everyone should know how to do it is one of the many lies caregivers tell themselves,” she says. “Very often, caregivers will say to us, ‘Well, of course, I can take care of my husband. I’ve raised five children,’ or ‘I run a whole office. I’ve got 40 employees. Surely, I can take care of my wife.’”
But acknowledging the difficult burden of caregiving, even when we are willing to rise to the challenge, can help us to better manage our own expectations and better support our loved ones.
Here are some lies caregivers tell themselves and truths that can help them navigate this challenging role:
I need to do everything myself. People underestimate the complexity and strain of caregiving, and the impulse to take control of it all can be altruistic. But it’s better to delegate tasks, which can mean accepting friends’ and family members’ offers to help or hiring a professional, such as a home health aide or visiting nurse, if needed, Ferrell says. Doing everything yourself is a good way to burn yourself out, which ultimately will jeopardize your well-being and ability to make sound decisions, she adds.
If I feel resentful, I’m a bad person (and caregiver). Caregivers often feel a range of negative emotions, including anger and resentment. While you may not want to burden your loved one with your feelings of frustration, you can still acknowledge and talk about your feelings with a trusted friend or a mental health professional. “That’s when it’s so important to have social workers and other support people to sit down with. They can listen to you and help you,” Ferrell says.
I’ll take a break when things settle down. When you’re in the thick of things, you may be focused solely on your loved one’s needs. However, people are living longer with cancer, which means you may be helping manage an illness for years or even decades. No matter what your loved one’s prognosis or expected treatment duration is, you need breaks, whether a trip to the museum or a short getaway. This is advice I take to heart, as my husband and I canceled two separate vacations when he was busy caring for his father who was ill. It took us two years to take a vacation together, and looking back, I know we should have done it sooner.
Even short excursions, like a night out or a concert to see a favorite musician, can help remind us to put cancer to the side so we can enjoy living.
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