My loved one with cancer has been irritated and resentful recently. How should I help them deal with their anger?

Jilian Levinson, oncology social worker at the Blavatnik Family Chelsea Medical Center at Mount Sinai in New York City

Anger is a common emotion after a cancer diagnosis, but we often don’t talk about it as much as other emotional responses, such as sadness or fear. Your loved one may feel their body has betrayed them. They may be angry that this happened to them and not to someone else. A cancer diagnosis and treatment will interfere with plans they had for themselves, professionally and personally. Younger people with cancer may feel angry because they might lose their fertility.

When someone has cancer, they often lose control of many things, including their own bodies, their employment or ability to work, their place in the home, and their schedule due to frequent doctor’s appointments. With all this in mind, give your loved one autonomy and control whenever possible and the space to make their own decisions, even if it’s as simple as asking what they would like to have for dinner. Acknowledge their feelings by saying, “You are angry. How can I help you?”

Look for local peer mentoring and emotional support programs that connect people living with cancer with others who are going through it or who have been there. Peer support can go a long way in helping to cope with the many difficult emotions that cancer brings up, including anger.

As you look for ways to help your loved one manage and work through their anger, remember that being a caregiver is hard. When the person you care for is angry, you might feel hurt. Try not to feel defensive about their angry feelings or words while giving your loved one the space they need to be angry. Make sure you take time for self-care, including getting enough sleep and taking breaks for enjoyable activities. If you don’t, you may develop feelings of anger or resentment yourself or become physically and mentally exhausted. Caregivers must take care of themselves first. It’s not selfish; it’s survival.

If your loved one’s anger escalates to the point where you feel unsafe physically or psychologically, get help immediately by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline via thehotline.org or 800-799-7233.

MANAGING ANGER // Piedmont Healthcare offers practical ways to manage anger. // The National Cancer Institute explores the range of emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis, including anger.

The expert’s response was edited for clarity and based on an interview with Kendall K. Morgan.