Hester Hill Schnipper Photo courtesy of Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center
IN AN IDEAL WORLD, a spouse or romantic partner would faithfully help us get through the difficult days of cancer treatment. Their presence would help to bring the two of you close and strengthen your connection, honoring the vows about “in sickness” and “for worse.”
However, as most of us who are diagnosed with cancer know all too well, we live in an imperfect world. The turmoil and struggles that come with a cancer diagnosis and treatment can shake even the most solid relationships.
While a cancer diagnosis may seem all-consuming, I encourage couples who are struggling to take a step back. The hope is you’ll move past cancer together, but there are bound to be some bumps on the way.
Here are some ways to support one another at this challenging time:
1) If your marriage was troubled before the diagnosis, it’s OK to negotiate a temporary truce and agree to come back to the issues later. The middle of cancer treatment is not the time to rehash old problems at length. The spouse with cancer needs help, and the person who is healthy will need to rise to the challenge of providing support.
2) If you can’t work through your differences, think about meeting once or twice with a therapist who can help you negotiate a temporary agreement while you undergo cancer treatment.
3) No part of cancer treatment is easy, and everyone is affected in different and difficult ways. Expect a few meltdowns. Working through emotions together can help strengthen bonds, but it’s OK to give space if needed.
4) Pause before you criticize each other. Assume that each of you is doing your best in difficult circumstances.
5) Forgive one another.
6) Lean on other friends and family members as much as you can. No one can be all things to another person, no matter how amazing that person is.
7) Encourage your spouse to take breaks and time for themselves.
8) Talk about how you are feeling. Express your sadness and worries about cancer with each other. It takes too much energy to be a constant cheerleader, but working through your grief together can help bring you closer.
9) Discuss sexuality and intimacy. If sex is not an option currently, consider other ways to be close, like giving back rubs or cuddling on the couch.
10) Prioritize time together as a couple. Plan for a date night, a walk or a quiet dinner at home.
11) Your roles as partners may change during cancer treatment, which will require flexibility. Try to accept these changes. If all goes well, you’ll have the opportunity to return to your previous roles after treatment ends.
12) Consider holding weekly planning meetings. Sit together with the calendar and assign tasks, including tasks for others who have offered to help.
13) Simplify your lives in every possible way. Cancer treatment brings many new appointments and obligations. Clearing the decks of nonessential responsibilities can go a long way.
Anyone who is in a relationship that makes them feel unsafe physically or psychologically should seek support from their medical care team. To connect with the National Domestic Violence Hotline, go to the organization’s website (thehotline.org) or call 800-799-7233.
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